Sometimes I wouldn’t even remember driving the night before and would just wake up on someone’s kitchen floor or front lawn.
I always had low self esteem growing up because I would get made fun of at school or at home for the way I looked/dressed or how skinny I was.
Even after I grew past those funny looking years, I still carried that hurt around and was afraid of not being good enough. When I discovered alcohol, I realized that it made all of those fears and insecurities go away for the moment.
I then drank in any social situation I encountered. If there wasn’t going to be alcohol there, then I would drink beforehand. After a while, I started depending on alcohol to cure my insecurities – so I drank all of the time. I drank at work, at school, with friends, with guys, and at home by myself regardless of whether it was at noon or another sleepless night at 4 am. I drank not because I loved alcohol, but because I hated who I was without it.
Getting drunk was a daily routine that I wouldn’t deviate from if I could help it. I would drive home drunk the majority of the time because I didn’t want to lose my buzz before I could lay my head down to sleep. When I was sober, I would go into depression because all of my problems were real. I felt alone and without a purpose because I had burned all of my bridges. My best friends were acquaintances who wouldn’t even take me to the hospital when I had alcohol poisoning–for fear of getting in trouble for letting a minor drink. I was heartbroken by a guy that strung me along. I had broken ties with my family and left home at age 17. I was living in a shack that my employer owned. My car was on the brink of death and hardly ran. I failed my senior year of highschool and had no plans of going to college. I only made minimum wage and I would run out of money usually before my next paycheck came. I could never sleep unless I had some sort of buzz. Sometimes I had less than a dollar to my name and an empty refrigerator and an empty gas tank. Those were the worst nights– where I contemplated suicide quite often.
Sometimes I wouldn’t even remember driving the night before and would just wake up on someone’s kitchen floor or front lawn. Waking up and having to walk outside to look at street signs to determine what part of town I was in had become the norm. Sadly this wasn’t the turning point. Nor were the handful of times I had gotten alcohol poisoning.
Getting pulled over by a speed trap at 4am on a holiday weekend when I was drunk was my turning point. I knew I was going to get a DUI and my life would be over. I reeked of booze and actually had an open bottle of liquor in my cupholder. There was absolutely zero chance that I could hide any of it even if I could act completely sober. I don’t know why, but I was given a second chance that night. I didn’t even get a ticket for going 82 in a 35 which I should have gotten my license suspended for alone. I was just told to drive home safe.
That incident scared the crap out of me and woke me up! I knew that I wasn’t invincible and that it was only a matter of time before I would destroy or end my life if I didn’t change. One day, one of my childhood friends told me about and (invited me to hang out with) some Lovely girls, so I gave it a try. After a while, I stopped caring what the world thought of me and started focusing on what was important– the rest of my life and where it was headed. I started surrounding myself with people who were successful and were actually going places in life.
Now I am 24. I am a Registered Nurse for one of the highest rated units in our entire hospital system throughout the state of Florida. I am continuing my education towards a masters degree. I have my dream car that I thought I could never afford and a restored family that is closer than ever. I have renowned influence and favor with people. I now help other people and hold them accountable. I left my insecurities behind and now I go to sleep and wake up everyday with true joy and peace. Best of all, I am alive to experience all of it.
I used to be a drunk.
Now, I am lovely.